Alpha Male / Female Parenting

Although I am not prepared to look for scientific evidence for an 'alpha male' model of behaviour, i do find it a useful way of thinking. We know the wolf pack is a well organized social system and that in includes an alpha male and a leadership female.

Dogs respond in the same way to this kind of leadership of the social system. Cats could care less but may also have some theory about where they fit in the family social system. Many assume cats believe they are the king and queen and deserving of highest praise on that basis, however, I am off my topic. :-)

I am most interested in this model in terms of the operation of the family and the raising of children. Let us assume that children are wired to fit into a social system where there is an identified 'alpha male' and 'alpha female.' (We call those positions in the family 'father' and 'mother.')

If you study under a real expert dog trainer you will learn that there are social signals that say to a dog who is the alpha male and female and who is not. Not knowing the signals it is easy to give your dog the wrong impression as to who is boss. It is worth studying.

Now on to humans and families and children. Can we give children the wrong signals? Can children get the wrong signals as to who is boss. Absolutely!

Parents with the best of intentions, trying to be kind, setting up a 'child-centered' house to minimize have to say "No!' will give all kinds of confusing signals to children. Naturally the result is a child in the family who does not know strongly and clearly who is boss. Have you not seen it?

The child does not learn to submit or (respect) authority. This leads easily and naturally to a problem we call 'entitlement' which basically means you think you are royalty. (Just like the cat! Oops!)

Will such a child find it easy to learn in school? School learning requires listening to a teacher. Right? Let me tell you that listening to a teacher involves submission. So a child trained to be boss does not easily submit and does not easily learn from a teacher and (warning - this will sound politically incorrect) will, therefore, display 'attention deficit disorder.'

Imagine this child in the workplace. They believe they are boss, don't listen well and resist authority. Of course they want to be 'entrepreneurs' because they do not want to submit to anyone else or take orders. That, perhaps, is the bright side to this disaster in parenting skills.

Don't Try to have 'empathic children' through early Training

How can we educate children to be more empathetic? What can we do, how can we contribute, as parents, teachers or simply people dealing with a child, so they become empathetic persons?

This is a great question and an important one. To try to train a child too early in a train that is way beyond their developmental level is a mistake and one that does needless damage to your child's development.

Rule #1, Do not (insert 'for God's sake here) try to train your child to be empathic. Don't educate them to be empathic in school. Do not push empathy on a child in Sunday School. Not a good idea. Don't even go there.

Rule #2 Do teach rules of behavior to young children up to 12 years. You can even teach or promote certain values in a vague way like posted them on the wall of a Karate club. But do not force children to be kind, generous, or empathic.

Reason #1. In most cases and in at most times up until the teen years, children do not have the inner capacity for empathy. It takes time. Like teeth that came in a at a certain time, the capacity for empathy, hopefully, arises in the teen years. Like the moment a 16 year old looks to her mom and says, "mom, how was your day?" For most mothers that is an amazing moment - after 16 years my child cares about me. My love came back. I made it. I have a budding adult!

Reason #2. If you push empathy ( or generosity or being good) before the child is ready you do untold damage. Nobody ever talks about it that is why it is 'untold.' A mother forces her children age 3 and 5 years to pick out one of their dolls - and they have few toys anyway - and give them away to the boys in the family they are going to visit. What is the problem?

One, the child needs to learn that her property is hers. Yes. This comes before you give something away.

Two She needs to make her own choices, too, and not have someone impose themselves on her and her stuff.

Three She needs the right to establish boundaries, to say 'No!' She needs that capacity to be strengthened not diminished.

Four. Her self concept is undermined. If she does not have the right to make this decision then her decision must not be important. She loses her voice.

Five. She loses her sense that she has the right to property or wealth and for the rest of her life she feels guilty about having stuff.

However, if generosity or empathy happens spontaneously in a young child that is great.  If it was not forced but came from the child's heart, then quietly celebrate. Don't, however, make too big a fuss. If you do you are now making it into a thing you control. Do not overtake, and therefore interfere with the beautiful and spontaneous action of your child.

Ok, here is my coaching tip for when your child does do something spontaneously generous or empathic. At some point, likely later, ask your child about that event and ask them how they felt when they did that. This way you are building and supporting the child's internal motivation rather than imposing yourself and perhaps diminishing their internal motivation. If they identify that they felt good you can mention that you feel the same thing when you do something for others.

In the Psychology of development (Piagetian) the child moves from the concrete stage to the abstract stage in the early teens or later. You cannot force that development along. What will help the child come to this stage is consistent loving attachment with his or her parents. Parental love feeds and nurtures this growth. Don't try to force it. Trust the growth process. Love the child.