Don't Try to have 'empathic children' through early Training

How can we educate children to be more empathetic? What can we do, how can we contribute, as parents, teachers or simply people dealing with a child, so they become empathetic persons?

This is a great question and an important one. To try to train a child too early in a train that is way beyond their developmental level is a mistake and one that does needless damage to your child's development.

Rule #1, Do not (insert 'for God's sake here) try to train your child to be empathic. Don't educate them to be empathic in school. Do not push empathy on a child in Sunday School. Not a good idea. Don't even go there.

Rule #2 Do teach rules of behavior to young children up to 12 years. You can even teach or promote certain values in a vague way like posted them on the wall of a Karate club. But do not force children to be kind, generous, or empathic.

Reason #1. In most cases and in at most times up until the teen years, children do not have the inner capacity for empathy. It takes time. Like teeth that came in a at a certain time, the capacity for empathy, hopefully, arises in the teen years. Like the moment a 16 year old looks to her mom and says, "mom, how was your day?" For most mothers that is an amazing moment - after 16 years my child cares about me. My love came back. I made it. I have a budding adult!

Reason #2. If you push empathy ( or generosity or being good) before the child is ready you do untold damage. Nobody ever talks about it that is why it is 'untold.' A mother forces her children age 3 and 5 years to pick out one of their dolls - and they have few toys anyway - and give them away to the boys in the family they are going to visit. What is the problem?

One, the child needs to learn that her property is hers. Yes. This comes before you give something away.

Two She needs to make her own choices, too, and not have someone impose themselves on her and her stuff.

Three She needs the right to establish boundaries, to say 'No!' She needs that capacity to be strengthened not diminished.

Four. Her self concept is undermined. If she does not have the right to make this decision then her decision must not be important. She loses her voice.

Five. She loses her sense that she has the right to property or wealth and for the rest of her life she feels guilty about having stuff.

However, if generosity or empathy happens spontaneously in a young child that is great.  If it was not forced but came from the child's heart, then quietly celebrate. Don't, however, make too big a fuss. If you do you are now making it into a thing you control. Do not overtake, and therefore interfere with the beautiful and spontaneous action of your child.

Ok, here is my coaching tip for when your child does do something spontaneously generous or empathic. At some point, likely later, ask your child about that event and ask them how they felt when they did that. This way you are building and supporting the child's internal motivation rather than imposing yourself and perhaps diminishing their internal motivation. If they identify that they felt good you can mention that you feel the same thing when you do something for others.

In the Psychology of development (Piagetian) the child moves from the concrete stage to the abstract stage in the early teens or later. You cannot force that development along. What will help the child come to this stage is consistent loving attachment with his or her parents. Parental love feeds and nurtures this growth. Don't try to force it. Trust the growth process. Love the child.